Sunday, 29 December 2013

Cheese anyone?

You never know who's watching

Recently the Harian Metro, one of Malaysia's leading tabloid newspapers published a story about a new trend that is becoming popular amongst the patrons of massage parlours. Apparently the men (no surprise there) were being given the option of having their body smeared with cream cheese; the “masseuse” would then lick the cheese of the client's body. Don't expect this special service from every spa; it's a brothel masquerading as a massage parlour.

Call me old-fashioned but I've always had the belief that food should be served on a plate. The only time this rule doesn't apply is when you're ordering from a drive-thru or if you happen to drop some food on the floor; if that happens then the 3-second rule is in effect. Plus it's a waste of good food. Then again I'm an old-fogey, so my opinion on such matters don't really apply.

I like how the country has been described as a “predominantly Muslim Malaysia, where conservative attitudes toward sex prevail.” This is only half-true, while Muslims are a majority (I'm one myself) we definitely do not have a “conservative” attitude to sex; after all, how conservative can we be as a country if there exists places where you can pay to have a “masseuse” lick cream cheese off your body?

And Malaysians have access to the internet. I'm pretty sure if you were to look through people's browsing history you'd find some pretty disturbing material. For the record, if you look through mine you'll see searches for “animals wearing clothes” and “cats that look like Hitler” as well as “How can I be a less perfect human being because I'm so awesome and my friends are all jealous of me.” Don't judge me! At least I'm not having someone use me as a savoury snack.

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. I just browsed Craigslist Malaysia and under the “services offered” section there are plenty of ads listing massages and escort services for gentlemen who just want a night of quiet conversation and the company of a beautiful young woman. And nothing else *wink wink*.'

I even found one ad asking for a female house cleaner. Which is not really strange; after all, cleanliness is next to godliness. But he (and I assume it's a man) did have one teeny tiny request. That she did it whilst in a state of undress (not creepy at all.)

Imagine if he had been given a Roomba this Christmas? The look of disappointment on his face would have been priceless. And the “men seeking women” section is a lot more creepier. Now if you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to take a shower; for some reason I feel dirty (oh crap, maybe I'm a Muslim with a predominantly conservative attitude to sex.)

A town council official told the Harian Metro that “massage parlours would face stern action if found to be offering irresponsible activities.” Oooh...I bet the operators of such institutions are quaking in their boots. Hold on..I have just received this news flash:

BREAKING NEWSmassage parlours all over Malaysia have closed shop and moved to Singapore and Thailand , where the population is less predominantly Muslim and the prevailing attitudes towards sex are not as conservative. And of course they were afraid of the “stern actions” threatened by local council officials. Mission accomplished.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your viewpoint), like most countries the authorities in Malaysia tend to look the other way when it comes to prostitution. And I've seen it first hand. A few weeks ago I had to drive in the city to take my Dad to the bank. This particular bank is located adjacent to a hotel frequented by tourists. Since there was no parking available I ended up parked on a double yellow line (which is technically illegal.) But in my defence I wasn't alone, there were plenty of cars doing the same thing.

It was while waiting for my Dad that I noticed something strange about the driver of the car right in front of me. He was standing next to his car and he had a walkie-talkie attached to his belt. A few moments later I noticed a man (presumably a tourist) coming from the hotel and having a brief conversation with the driver of the car.

The tourist then opened the passenger door peered inside the car; then gestured towards someone inside the car and a young woman stepped out and they both went back towards the hotel. Turns out there were two women in the car; I think what was happening in front of me is pretty self-explanatory to everyone.

For some reason I started getting angry. I still don't know why. Maybe that night I was in a particularly bad mood. Maybe it was fact that these men were treating these women like commodities and were going to benefit from this transaction; one financially and one sexually.

Or maybe the real reason I got upset was that this man openly participating in the prostitution of women without any fear of being caught by the police. Meanwhile, the authorities are busy arresting a woman for uploading a video on Youtube; arresting a young couple for being politically incorrect (at least by Malaysian standards); or in a recent case allegedly (according to some critics) suspending a newspaper for publishing an article on the spending habits of the Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak and his wife Rosmah Mansor.

The weekly newspaper “The Heat” had recently published an article titled “All eyes on big-spending PM Najib”; the report then listed expenditures incurred on overseas trips and consultancy fees as well as Rosmah's use of a government jet to attend a conference in Doha, Qatar.

Shortly after this The Heat received a suspension order from the Home Ministry.
I also have to emphasise the word “allegedly”; according to some opposition politician's The Heat was suspended because the article had portrayed the Prime Minister in a negative way.

According to the Home Ministry the suspension had nothing to do with the article; the publishing company had violated provisions mandated under its printing permit as well as failed to inform the Home Ministry about a change in ownership. The timing is just an unfortunate coincidence.

This is starting to get a bit long. I'm sorry for the diversion; in the beginning you were reading about cheese and sex and I managed to turn it into a piece about the Malaysian Government.

I guess in the end I'm just naïve. When you spend your time in front of a computer or reading a book you have a tendency to forget about how the real world works. And it can be depressing sometimes. Why can't the world just be sugar, spice and everything nice?

Of course, the big irony was that just as my dad was getting back in the car a security guard approached us as we were parked on a double yellow line. And that was illegal. Sigh..c'est la vie.

P.S. Last week I wrote an article about lighthouses and I have to admit that it's not my best writing. But of course, that's the one people read and commented on the most to me. In my defence, there are some weeks where I have nothing to write and last week's post is evident of that. I guess all I can say is I do what I can and please bear with me. Anyways, have a great week and be awesome every day or at least try to.

Some links to check out:

Angry rant on Man of Steel

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen Man of Steel then do not continue or don't bother since it's just okay. It's definitely not Batman

Apparently I have a lot to say this week so here is an extra bonus post; my angry rant/review of Man of Steel. I watched Man of Steel recently and while I admit that it wasn't a bad film I sort of expected more. 3 out of 5 stars; it was slightly better than the last Superman film and a lot better than Green Hornet.

Here are a few things that sort of annoyed me about the film:

  • Was it just me or were the prison capsules used to contain Zod and his minions a little..erm..phallic shaped? Maybe I'm just imagining things. I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have made of this
  • All the “subtle” product placement in the film e.g. getting thrown through a 7-11; the close up of a Nokia phone (Seriously? If it was a Samsung or iPhone I would have found it a little more believable)
  • The amount of collateral damage in the film. Metropolis was practically destroyed and thousand of its citizens killed before being “saved” (Thanks least you caught Lois Lane)
  • The fact that Lois Lane conveniently found herself on-board Zod's ship for no plausible reason except for plot development
  • The fact that Superman had to terminate Zod with extreme prejudice. Most fans weren't happy with this; Superman usually tries to avoid killing people. It makes sense I guess, it's hard to have a moral code these days. Besides, not everyone can be Batman (oooh..Superhero burn)
  • And to complete his disguise all it takes is a pair of glasses! Seriously! We still accept that part of the story?
  • How about the existence of a super strong extraterrestrial living on Earth? Actually I'm okay with that.

Later in the film Superman destroys a drone and tells a General to stop following him. Does he seriously think that he can't be tracked? Clark baby, it's 2013! The NSA is already tracking everyone!

It's not like he's a hard guy to track down in the first place; all it took was a Pulitzer prize winning journalist (Lois Lane) to follow a few leads and eventually end up on his doorstep. And let's not forget the part where a police officer dropped Lois Lane off at Clark Kent's house while he's dressed as Superman (you dummy. Super Strong but not Super Smart.) I think Edward Snowden could have found out who Superman was in a heartbeat; to be fair, Lois Lane is a lot prettier than he is.

This might be a little controversial (not really) but I think the real hero of the film was Colonel Nathan Hardy. Technically, Superman did most of the work but he's practically invincible anyway; plus he got to make out with Lois Lane which is a fair bit of compensation for his troubles.

Meanwhile, the Colonel survives a helicopter crash, empties an entire clip into a bulletproof alien (he probably should have taken the hint after the first 3 rounds bounced off her.) When that didn't work tried to get into a knife fight with an adversary that was far stronger than him (I'll admit, a bit stupid that.)

And let's not forget the part where he Kamikaze's his plane into that machine thingy. Where is his parade? Where's his comic book? At least name a holiday after the poor guy! But no..Superman gets all the glory. And the girl. Bah Humbug!

The part that got to me the most was the ending. To keep a low profile so that he can go into dangerous situations without raising any suspicions Clark Kent decided to become a journalist. Because that worked so well for Lois Lane..oh wait. She did get to meet Superman after all.

Plus talk about a poor career choice; joining a dying profession. I don't think he was thinking long-term. He probably should have gotten a degree first. Besides if you really want to become anonymous just become a blogger.. Literally no one will pay attention to you (or me)..

RIP Colonel Nathan Hardy - A real Super Hero

P.S. Apparently if you happen to be stuck in the path of a tornado the last thing you want to do is hide under an overpass. People tend to get hit with debris or sucked out because of the strong winds. Basically, just get out of the tornado's path; or seek shelter in a well-constructed building; failing that just lie flat in a ravine or ditch

Have a great week! Here are some links to check out:

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Keep On Dreaming..

One of my more recent pipedreams that I had floating about in my head is that I would make a great lighthouse keeper, least I THINK I would make a great lighthouse keeper. There is something quite appealing about living on a small outcrop of rock in the middle of the ocean + I do love spiral staircases. I think it's the isolation that appeals to me the most.

Unfortunately in the modern world lighthouse keepers are no longer necessary. Have you heard of the song with the lyrics "video killed the radio star"? Well technology killed the lighthouse keeper; it was mostly a combination of electricity & automation that did it. And the addition of heliports meant that live in keepers were no longer needed. In Britain all the lighthouses have been automated by Trinity House while in the US the last manned lighthouse was automated in 1998. Jobs as lighthouse keepers are scarce, many are part-time & seasonal.

Here is a brief overview of a position available as a "volunteer" keeper that I found on a lighthouse enthusiast website (oh yes, you can find anything on the internet, it's not all porn):

  • Volunteer keeper needed at Forty Mile Point lighthouse, Michigan
  • Tasks include greeting visitors, act as tour guide, work in gift shop & ensure cleanliness of premises
  • Bring your own RV, no TENTS allowed!!
  • Oh BTW, you ain't getting paid
I probably have a romantic/unrealistic view of being a lighthouse keeper. Apparently it wasn't all that great. First of all you had to stay with three other keepers; you'd better be nice to each other because you'll be spending a long time together at close proximity. Other drawbacks included no toilets or running water, at least back in the early days. And of course being away for so long meant that you'd miss out on certain things back home (like your wife having an affair for example).

So if I was to be a lighthouse keeper a few conditions would have to be met. The most important would be that I would be the only keeper at the lighthouse. I don't mind the isolation; if I was to be stuck on a rock with two other people I'd go for a swim & hope a shark was feeling a bit peckish.

The second condition is that I would need a LCD TV with a HD DVD player & some DVD boxsets please (Who needs friends when you can watch "Friends"?). The third condition is that there would need to be decent internet connection at the lighthouse. With Skype, Twitter & Facebook you'll never be alone really. 

After a few days at the lighthouse your tweets might get a little repetitive 'Turned on the light, turned off the light, turned on the light, turned off the light....' & so on. Of course on those cold lonely nights when I am missing a little...erm...female contact the internet would be REALLY important. If you know what I mean. And being alone would mean that there wouldn't be anyone to interrupt you or judge you. Except god....

I highly doubt that any potential lighthouse keeper employer would give me a call so the only other way to be a keeper is to buy my own lighthouse. On the same website I mentioned before I saw a beautiful lighthouse for sale called Pointe d'Aiguillon lighthouse which is in Saint-Marc-Sur Mer, about 8KM South West of Saint-Nazaire, France. It costs only 780,000 Euros and I think that's a bargain. So can anyone spare some change? Maybe look EXTRA hard around the couch?


Saturday, 14 December 2013

I know too much!

TMI a.k.a Too Much Information - Way more than you need/want to know about someone.

John: I have mad chafing on my balls.
Frank: uh, TMI

-Urban Dictionary

I have a few flaws. I'm the person that:

  • reminisces about the past too much
  • tries to turn everything into a joke
  • is way too sarcastic for his own good
  • who gives directions to people who are lost even when he doesn't know the directions himself (hint: if you ask someone for directions and their first word is “erm..” keep driving)
  • has awkward conversations involving TMI

And the last point is probably one of the worst things about me. I can't help myself, I don't know my limit. Sometimes, when someone asks me a simple question I just keep going on and on (like right now.)

It's not so bad when it's with my family and close friends, they're used to it by now. Usually after a few minutes of my rambling their eyes glaze over and they stay silent. Eventually I'll become aware of the silence and my voice will trail off. Recently, my mother was surprised that there were camels in Australia.

I then mention to her the fact that Australia has the largest population of camels outside the middle east; that they were brought in to help cross the interior of Australia; their decline and how they're seen as a pest; how they're being culled because of the impact they have on the environment. And for all this information all I got back was an “uhum.”

Sometimes it can be a little bit awkward. A few years ago, I managed to get in touch with a friend from Australia on Facebook. We went to school together and we haven't been in contact for 18 years. He made the mistake of messaging me back to ask how things were. And boy did I let him know. It probably took him 18 years to finish reading that message. I've never heard from him since.

It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. I only regretted what I had written after hitting send. So I try to be a lot careful now with people I don't know and how much I tell them.

Occasionally I'll come across people who tell me a little too much. A few years ago someone sent me an email to ask permission to use a photo I had posted. And he ended his e-mail with this “PS It's been a looong time since I've been in Malaysia. But I bet you guys still drive on the wrong side of the street :)”

I e-mailed him back to let him know that he could use the photo; I also asked him just out of curiosity and because he seemed nice when was the last time he visited Malaysia. And he replied with the following:

Hi Faiz,
Thanks for the use of the photo. I'll let you know when the video is finished.
I think it was about 1970 when I was in Malaysia, specifically Singapore. I was a merchant seaman and we were on our way to Pakistan with a load of 'fertilizer' as foreign aid. (Think Ammonium Nitrate and munitions) We had agreed not to provide weapons to Pakistan or India to assist in their 'dispute'. Anyway...
My three main memories of Singapore, remembering please that I was a young seaman.
1. A really fine little 'bordello' where, just like in the movies, the ladies line up while you pick and choose.
2. A cab driver who totally freaked out when I flipped a cigarette butt out the window. Although he should have warned us about the anti-littering laws when we got into the cab since we were a motley crew of heathen foreigners.
3. Some blond pot, illegal as hell, that was amongst the most potent, and produced the cleanest and happiest high of any that I can remember.

I never bothered to get back in touch with him. And I thought I was bad. Assuming he's telling the truth, who is this guy? Jason Bourne? Should he have even been telling me this information?

I can't help the feeling that that I've uncovered some conspiracy that was not supposed to be divulged. Does that mean I'm being watched by the NSA (no worries, the NSA is watching EVERYONE); on a side note I hear a low humming sound above me.

It's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one out there who suffers from chronic TMI. And of course I'm exaggerating a little. It's not the “worst” part of my character. If I was so concerned about sharing too much with people this blog wouldn't exist; and I wouldn't be entertaining several people a week. There are far worse things about me like the fact that once I had to shoot this.....never mind. See you next week. Maybe.

Here are some links

Image Credit: 

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Don't Let The Man Get You Down


In my opinion one of the greatest things in life is to probably become a parent. Here you are, in charge of another human being and depending on how you raise your child you have a 50/50 chance of raising Rick Grimes or The Governor (Walking Dead reference in case you're wondering.) I exaggerate of course.

While it is a wonderful experience at times it can be stressful and there will be moments where your patience is tested. I get it, parenting is not easy. But here is a PSA for all parents. Dear Parents, please do not use strangers to keep your children in check.

Recently I was at the supermarket and when I was at the cashier there was a little boy who was about 5 years old and he had a Kinder Joy (apparently we don't have Kinder Surprise in Malaysia because they would melt) in his hand. As he was about to hand his chocolate to the cashier his mum stopped him.

His mum whispered to him (though still loud enough for me to hear) that she couldn't buy him the chocolate because “the man behind them wouldn't let her.” I was confused for a few seconds but then the horrible truth dawned upon me...I was THE MAN.

Unbeknownst to me I had been appointed by the World Health Organization as the Commissioner of All Milk Chocolate Based Confectionery. Apparently it was my job to personally deny children the happiness of enjoying their favourite treats.

And it appears that I took my job seriously. Here I was stopping this poor mum from buying her son the Kinder Joy. I'm sure if she had the choice she would've bought her son all the chocolate he wanted; bless her generous heart. But sadly the FUCKING MAN wouldn't let her.

Her son wasn't ready to give up the chocolate so she repeated that THE MAN wouldn't let her buy the chocolate. He turned to look at me and we both stared blankly at each other. I didn't know how to react. Surely it would have been cruel to smile after denying him his chocolate. I can't help the feeling that as he was looking at me he was thinking WTF Bro? What 's your problem?”

Reluctantly he gave up the Kinder Joy; after all he loved his mum. And he didn't want her to get in trouble with THE MAN. As his mum carried him out of the store he just kept staring at me. I knew there and then that I had just made an enemy for life. When he grew up he would track me down and kill me. And end the tyranny of THE MAN once and for all.

I wished I had thought of it at the moment but I should have just bought the Kinder Joy for the kid. Then the mum could have the pleasure of explaining why he still couldn't have his chocolate. Maybe next time...

Sigh...the lies parents tell their children. When I was younger we sort of adopted a stray cat and a few months later she had a litter of kittens. After coming home from school I went to look for them. But they weren't there and I started to get worried.

Thankfully my mum had sent them to a friend's farm where they lived happily ever after. I learned later as many children do that this farm where all the animals in the world live in harmony sadly doesn't exist.

I just remembered that when we lived in Adelaide (Go Magpies!) for a few years back when I was a child my mum tried to teach me about calling the ambulance by pretending to be unconscious. From what I remember when I saw her prone and unresponsive all I did was go downstairs and turn on the TV.

In my defence I was 7; it was a Saturday morning and Blinky Bill was on. And since she was already “dead” what was another 30 minutes? Maybe she should have taught me CPR first. Technically I did the right thing. If I had made a false emergency call I would have been breaking the law. Sooo...I guess that makes it better?

I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of my mum. It was back in Adelaide that we had a weekly ritual. Once a week I would be allowed to have a Kinder Surprise Egg. Maybe two if I was really lucky. #bestmumever #loveyou

Hopefully, I'll have kids of my own one day and I can take this private ritual of ours and make it into a tradition that will be passed down to future generations. #bestfuturedad

In case you were wondering this is a Kinder Surprise

And in certain countries where it gets too hot we have the Kinder Joy instead

Have a great week folks. Check out the links below:

Image Credit:

Sunday, 17 November 2013

What's Tumblr Got To Do With It?

Besides joining Tumblr I also decided to start writing a blog again after taking a brief hiatus (more like a whole year) from my old blog. There are a few reasons for this:

  1. In my mind I think I'm quite funny and a decent writer. Which can be a dangerous combination since in reality this isn't always true
  2. I'm not a big talker so blogging helps me to keep my sanity. It's one of the few ways I express myself; besides tagging abandoned buildings with my satirical street art...Am I Banksy?
  3. Someone might actually find my musings entertaining. There are literally several of you out there..probably
  4. And after watching Kaelyn and Lucy's videos I needed to get my “feelings” out ( up Faiz)

If you know about Kaelyn and Lucy you will also know that they found each other on Tumblr and eventually they both fell madly in love. And in my own romantic/delusional mind I thought that maybe I could find someone the same way.

It seems a lot of people are meeting each other on Tumblr which makes sense; you tend to follow or be followed by people who share the same interests as you do e.g. #catsofinstagram. It seems a lot easier than joining a dating website and as sad as this is to admit, try to meet someone in person.

I'm not saying that I will meet someone on Tumblr. Or that I'm holding out to the hope that I will. But if I did and it all went horribly wrong at least it would be something to write about. And who knows? If it turned out well it might be a nice story to tell the kids someday; at least it wouldn't take 9 years to tell the children of how I met their mother. Dammit Ted...

Of course if that doesn't work I could always stick to Plan B; become the next democratically elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (or just Wales and England depending on the upcoming referendum) and fall in love with the catering manager at Number 10. Eventually making out with her at a Christmas concert in front of the entire audience. I may have watched Love Actually again last night...

Or I could just seize the cheese like Jake & Amir, download Tinder and just swipe to the right.

Links to Check Out:

Image Credit:

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Nice Guys Always Pay?

This has nothing to do with the anything but please keep reading

“New Man”
  1. a man who rejects sexist attitudes and the traditional male role, especially in the context of domestic responsibilities and childcare.

    I tend to go over things in my head a little too much; for example if a friend wanted to meet at a shopping mall I'd tried to make sure we went on a weekday instead of the weekend. That's because I'm not a big fan of large crowds.

    And that's not the only thing that I get stressed about. What if I was on a date? Who would pay for the food? Do I pay for the food? Or is that unfashionable these days? Maybe we should just split the bill?  That way we're both equals. Though some people can take the whole 50/50 thing a little too far. Just read the Joy Luck Club and you'll understand. I don't even know why I worry too much over this; I've been on exactly ZERO dates.

    I only mention this because I recently had a conversation with another girl I know who admitted something that shocked me to the core (well...not really but I found it mildly interesting). She told me that the only reason she went out on dates with men is so that they would pay for her dinner. She didn't care what they looked like  or what they did for a living; as long as they had enough money to pay the bill they were okay.

    I don't want to give you the wrong impression of this particular girl so I'd like to point out the fact it wasn't as if she traded sex for food; it was strictly about the dinner. All the poor bastard was going to get was an evening of light conversation and some money out of pocket. The next time the guy tried to set up another date he will find that she is no longer interested in continuing the "relationship". Hopefully you won't think too poorly of her.

    She even joined so that she could go on many more dates. Maybe should add a new category for its members; "Just looking for food". My biggest concern is whether this kind of behaviour is not unique to this particular girl and that there are many more women using men as a free meal ticket. What would you call these types of women? The term "Gold Diggers" wouldn't apply because they don't want you for your money. 

    At least when Anna Nicole Smith (R.I.P) got married to that old guy (R.I.P) we knew why she did it (love of course) and somehow that seems nobler than going on "dates"  with men for free food. Maybe it's just me but it seems rude and slightly cruel. To be fair when a man takes a woman out we all know what he's looking for ( of course); it's not exactly a state secret. Of course all I'm looking for is a loving and meaningful relationship.And yes, I'm still very single...just saying..

    The best part of her narrative was when she told me what she managed to get other men to spend (she was bragging a bit by now); $300 on Japanese food; $159 on Mexican; one guy spent $207 at the supermarket. What kind of idiot spends that much money paying for the grocery bills of a girl he had just met? And believe me this girl ain't THAT pretty; she's not Helen of Troy. She would probably be lucky to launch one ship.
    Of course when it comes to behaving stupidly over a girl I'm a repeat offender; and people wonder why I have trust issues. So in the future if I ever go on a date (probably won't) and the moment comes to settle the check, I'm going to be more of a "New Man" and just go Dutch.


    Image credit:

Sunday, 27 October 2013

I Miss The Jiang Shi

Halloween is right around the corner and I figured we could talk about one of my favourite hybrid zombie/vampire.

We seem to be in the age of the vampire and zombie right now. There is Robert Pattinson from "Twilight", Stephen Moyer off "True Blood" and the latest newcomer is Paul Wesley on "Vampire Diaries" (personally I don't understand why women find these guys attractive).

Mind you, not all vampire related films have always been successful; remember Eddie Murphy from "Vampire in Brooklyn"? Don't worry, many people don't remember either. But the vampire movies I enjoyed watching when I was much younger were the ones with the Chinese vampire a.k.a the Jiang Shi. Though I sometimes had to hide behind a pillow, I found the Jiang Shi quite entertaining because I had never seen anything quite like it before.

A little background information, the Jiang Shi were popularised in Hong Kong films in the 80's up to the early 90's. The Jiang Shi weren't strictly vampires like their Western counterparts; they were more like reanimated zombies with a thirst for human blood.

Like a typical blood sucker, the Jiang Shi were nocturnal creatures; they were however blind and the unique feature of a Jiang Shi is that they hopped rather than walk and had their arms permanently outstretched as if just about to hug someone. But this was due to the fact that they had rigor mortis (I don't think many people would want to hug a Jiang Shi anyway).

They weren't the most trendily dresses vampires around; their wardrobe consisted of robes like the ones that were worn by the Imperial Court officials; very vintage so don't expect to see anything by Ralph Lauren. Strangely, the clothes are in much better shape than the Jiang Shi themselves

Jiang Shi weren't the most attractive vampires either, what with their rigor mortis and decaying flesh. You can't exactly picture Anna Paquin or Kristen Stewart making out with one. Hmmm, is hat even politically correct any more? I don't think I can live in a world where a Jiang Shi can't have a relationship with a western woman.

Dammit Obama! You promised us change! I may have gone off topic a little bit and maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but that's just the way I feel. To be fair the Jiang Shi themselves doesn't really care since it's not really alive; it would rather take a bite out of a girl (or guy) instead of snogging her (or him).

Jiang Shi's aren't as tough as they are scary though. It's pretty easy to evade one, all you have to do is hold your breath and find the nearest exit. This is easier said than done though, if you're a heavy smoker than you probably won't last that long. I don't really know if you could kill a Jiang Shi; what I remember from the movies is that you had to stick a yellow piece of paper with a spell written on it onto their foreheads to disable one of them. 


Think of it as a very deadly game of pin the tail on the donkey. I remember one comical scene in one movie where soldiers armed with yellow baseball bats with the spell written on it had to swat it at a Jiang Shi's forehead. Unfortunately things didn't go according to plan and they ended up being a human slurpee.

Hopefully the film producers in Hong Kong will bring the Jiang Shi out of retirement soon because pale blonde vampires is like soooo yesterday. 

 A slightly inferior Western version of a Jiang Shi
 Image Credit:

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Oy Vey!

Recently the Auditor-General's 2012 report was released to the public and it's a gift that keeps on giving. That was a little sarcasm there in case you didn't get it (Sara); it has been quite revealing. It turns out the Government has a lot of money; unfortunately most of it end up in the hands of the corrupt/incompetent.

Here are a few brief highlights that have been revealed by the report. Read it and weep:

  • The Sports and Youth Department spent RM2.9 million last year for the National Youth Day celebrations. At least half of the amount was spent on bringing in 3 K-Pop groups
  • The Inland Revenue Board wasted more than RM9 million relocating its processing centre in Pandan Indah to Bangi
  • The Ministry of Health paid two companies a total of RM320,000 to set up two Facebook and Twitter accounts
  • And the report also revealed that several hundred Health Ministry officials filed false claims to reimburse them for purchases made on clothes and shoes. The claims made just for SHOES alone totalled RM207,000. When the auditors checked the addresses on the receipts they found that the stores did not exist
  • A senior official in the Communications and Culture Ministry claimed travel expenses which totalled RM303,813 for a four day trip to Switzerland (Dayum!) to study the emergency telephone system (Da'Fuq?) If this is what he spent for business I hate to see what he spends on vacation. The auditors believe that the trip was actually worth RM50,000. Well clearly they don't know how to party
  • The Customs Department destroyed 7,659 pairs of new shoes because they didn't fit and had also started to degrade after being kept in storage for 3 years. It's not too bad; it only cost taxpayers over RM600,000
  • Clocks, scanners and “miscellaneous items” cost the Broadcasting Department around RM9 million. Why so much you ask? For example the department was budgeted RM100 to spend on each wall clocks. They ended up spending RM3,810 on 20 “branded” wall clocks which cost a total RM76,200 (sigh...)
  • And I saved the best for last. The report initially revealed that the Royal Malaysia Police had lost over RM1 million worth of equipment including 44 guns and 29 vehicles

I guess I can empathize with the police. After all I've misplaced plenty of things and lost them. Nope..they're just idiots. The next time I get a parking ticket I'm just going to “lose it” by accident. And if the police give me to much trouble over it I'll just ask about the missing guns and vehicles. That'll shut em' up.

Opposition politicians have been quick to lampoon the police over the missing guns; saying that they might have fallen into the hands of criminals. But the Inspector General of Police has said not to worry; the guns may have not fallen into the hands of criminals but might have fallen into the ocean instead during operations and couldn't be recovered. WOW...I feel much safer.

Opposition MP Teresa Kok described the IGP's explanation as “idiotic.” Another politician Lim Guang Eng also asked if the vehicles lost by the police ended up in the ocean. Well, in Malaysia anything is possible after all.

A few days after the report was released the police said only 43 guns were now missing. One had been found. Well..sort of; a police officer who was off duty had to change a flat tyre on his motorcycle. And while changing his tyre he was approached by a man with a knife who threatened him before stealing the policeman's bag which contained the firearm. If only the police officer had something to defend himself with..oh wait. Too bad it was in his bag. Most people use holsters. I guess you can bring a knife to a gunfight and win. Sucks to be him, I guess. One down 43 to go.

A few weeks ago I wrote about a man by the name of Saravanan Batumalai who bravely intervened in a robbery that was taking place by ramming his car into the robbers motorcycle. The “alleged” robbers turned out to be cops and Saravanan managed to identity the two police officers from an identification parade. So you think case closed and the “alleged” prick cops go to jail.

Unfortunately in Malaysia things are not so easy. Not only did the cops remain on active duty during the investigation they have also been cleared of charges due to legal technicalities. Even though Saravanan gave a positive identification of the two police officers it doesn't count because the two cops had solid alibi's. Apparently Saravan's word is not good enough. Oh and of course the police don't lie.

Another reason the police officers didn't get charged is that the victim of the robbery never came forward to make a report or press charges. How convenient..I'm sure the police had nothing to do with that.

Of course what's the point of having two witnesses when the word of one witness is not good enough. As for the motorcycle that was found at the scene that belonged to one of the police officers? Well, according to the “alleged” scumbag cop, he had sold it to an unidentified man a few weeks before the crime took place. Sure, that makes sense. Wait..what's that smell? Too bad this “unidentified man” couldn't be found. Maybe he's a ghost like from Sixth Sense?

Saravanan has said he is disappointed over the result of the investigation; "There were witnesses to the attack and I cannot forget their faces as they were not wearing helmets. So how can they say there is a lack of evidence?”

It almost seems like there is a cover-up. After he lodged his police report he didn't hear anything from the police department which was almost two months. That was of course until the newspapers reported the story. Well regardless Saravan is still a BAMF. And those two cops are assholes. Allegedly...

Of course the question now is “What's next?” Will these reports be ignored until the next report? So far the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission has opened 15 investigations. But just because you're being investigated it doesn't mean anything is going to happen. Just ask the two robber “alleged” cops.

As for the out of control spending I have a suggestion. Whenever I make a purchase on my credit card I get sent an sms to let me know about it. I think the Prime Minister needs to have a sms sent to him whenever a government department or official makes a purchase. At least then he can't keep ignoring it. I joke but seriously you guys need to get your shit together.

While all these revelations have been somewhat hilarious, the sad part is that the losers in this are the Malaysian people. Maybe it's time for a change? Next election is in a few years. In the meantime I'm going to get me a scuba license and find me some guns. Finders, keepers..

Don't take my word for it here are some links:

Image Credit: