The
day of the big night arrived. That's when the problems started
happening. My Dad was supposed to send me to TJ's house and on the
way we'd stop to pick up the flowers at the florist. But the car had
a flat tyre so I had to take a taxi instead. I picked up the flowers
and then it took me a while to find another taxi. God only knows what
I looked like lugging around my suit and the bouquets at the same
time.
Eventually
I arrived at TJ's house, out of breath and sweating. A few other guys
were there as well; we were supposed to head out together. After
getting showered and dressed and ready we played some games on the
good'ole Playstation before finally heading out to the hotel. I met
Adilyn there, presented her with her bouquets and corsage while she
helped put mine on. We took some pictures; my camera battery died
after a few shots. And pretty much after this point things went bad.
Prom
was starting soon so Adilyn headed down to the ballroom with everyone
else. A friend of mine; lets call him Andy was still waiting in the
hotel lobby for his date, Braelyn. So I decided to stay back at the
lobby with him. Braelyn arrived about fifteen minutes late; we all
headed to the ballroom and had to sneak in. The lights in the
ballroom were dimmed and everyone was seated at their tables and
eating dinner.
Andy,
Braelyn and I eventually reached our respective tables and I found
one of the Year 12's sitting in my seat and eating my dinner. Now a
more aggressive person would have confronted him, yelled and/or given
him a kicking. I'm not that type of person; when someone is being an
asshole towards me I just keep quiet and try to remain calm. Usually
it's when someone is being an asshole to the people around me that I react.
The
wise guy eventually moved back to his own table to eat his own food
after eating half of mine and I sat down in my seat. I didn't even
get to eat any food! I didn't really talk to anyone on my table. And
the strange thing was that I didn't even talk to Adilyn. The alarm
bells were already ringing in my head. I just sat quietly in my seat
slightly on edge, waiting for the music to start so that maybe I
could get that slow dance with Adilyn and salvage the rest of the
night.
Everyone
finished their dinner, the music came on and finally the song for the
slow dance started. That's when I got up to ask Adilyn for a dance; I
remember feeling very nervous and that my heart was beating so fast.
“This IS IT!” I told myself. She said yes and we both went
on to the dance floor.
I
ended up making a mistake because I was so high-strung. I put my arms
on Adilyn's shoulders instead of around her waist. I quickly
corrected myself and we had only taken a few steps when I stepped on
Adilyn's toe. We stopped dancing and she looked at me and then walked
off the dance floor. That was it. I didn't see her for most of the
night.
At
the point that I realized that Adilyn wasn't coming back I was pretty
depressed. Whatever little confidence I had built up disappeared at
that moment. I was feeling dejected. I've been punched in the stomach
before but getting my heart broken was a lot more painful.
Most
of the ballroom was now dark except for the dance floor. So I found
myself an empty table and just sat down watching all the other
couples dance together. “Why can't I have that?” I thought to
myself. I finally knew the meaning of the phrase “having the wind
knocked out of you.” I spent the rest of the night going over what
just happened repeatedly in my mind.
It's
funny how things get amplified when you're a teenager. I was
embarrassed. I felt like a loser and I was hating myself “How could
I be such a fuckup?” It felt like the world was
ending and I just wanted the ground to break open and swallow me up.
I don't remember all the thoughts that went through my mind but it
wasn't good. After some time I left the ballroom and hid out in the
bathroom stall for awhile. Tiring of this I headed back to my empty
table and sat in silence.
I
do remember a few people coming up to me and checking up on me. At
one point I ended up having a slow dance with Braelyn. She was just
being nice. While we weren't really friends we always got along
together fine in class. But it didn't feel right to me; it felt
strange and awkward. I was pretty much on autopilot and once the song
was done I went back to my seat. That was the only real dance I had
that night.
TJ
was the person that helped me the most. Or at least he tried his best
to put up with my bullshit. He tried talking to me to get me out of
the mood I was in and cheer me up. He even tried to get me back on
the dance floor and dancing again. But I wasn't having it. I was a
broken man. And later TJ protected me from some horrible information.
TJ
saw some stuff that I had missed while I was sitting alone. A few
years later after we both left for University he told me about it.
I'm glad I wasn't aware of what was happening in the background that
night. If it was possible to have been more devastated than I already
was I just might have been.
TJ
was back from the UK on holiday; we decided to meet up for breakfast
and we were reminiscing about the past; he was glad I was doing fine
and it was good that I managed to get over Adilyn's rejection on prom
night. And then he told me what he saw and it felt as if I was
reliving that horrible night again. Even then it was horrible hearing
what he said; it was like getting punched in the gut a second time.
TJ wasn't intentionally trying to ruin my day; he didn't know I would
take it so badly. As far as he knew I was over the whole night. I
guess I had always pretended to have gotten past it.
We've
been discussing it again on Facebook recently and the following is
how he described it to me from his point of view. “I mainly
remember prom and how disappointed you were. I think I got most angry
due to Adilyn's actions at prom. I saw how she was being incredibly
inconsiderate and how her friends were helping her and they were
laughing. It made me sick and it was at that point where I had
absolutely no respect for her. I remember your face and how sad you
were.”
According
to TJ, Adilyn had some of her friends keep an eye out for me just in
case I came looking for her, then they would tell her and she'd find
another place to disappear to. If only she had known I was sat in my
dark corner she could've saved herself a lot of trouble. Of course
her friends couldn't have been great lookouts. I did end up bumping
into her in the lobby. I don't know why but for some we reason we
took a prom photo together. I ended up throwing the photos out a few
years later.
Of
course prom wasn't a total loss. I knew my best friend was looking
out for me (#bff). And I appreciated TJ more for being such a good
friend. He is my Simon Pegg while I'm his Edgar Wright. Towards the
end of the night my mood improved slightly.
Before
the end of prom TJ and I ended up taking a photo together and that's
the one I still keep in a box filled with all my old pictures. I
still cherish that photo. I look at that photo now and what happened
that night doesn't hurt..as much. I was genuinely smiling when
we took that picture. With Adilyn it was more of a forced smile. And
I must say that TJ and I didn't look half bad in that photo. I still
hate the fact that he's a few inches taller than me.
The
night eventually came to an end and I found myself standing outside
the hotel trying to figure out what I was going to do next. I had
planned everything. Except how to get back home. I didn't have money
for a taxi. What little money I brought with me had already been
spent on the other taxis earlier in the day. I briefly considered
walking home.
That's
when Adilyn passed by in her car. She was with her parents and they
offered me a lift home. As upset as I was by what had just happened I
accepted the offer. I didn't look forward to getting mugged/murdered
on the streets of Kuala Lumpur. We made some small talk but the drive
home was mostly silent.
I
got home and luckily my family wasn't awake to ask me how my prom
went. They never asked how things went and I never gave them an
explanation. They still don't know. Well..until now of course. I went
up to my room and sat on the bed for a while. I turned on the radio
and the song that was playing at that moment was Matchbox Twenty's
“Unwell.” Which seemed really appropriate at the time. I took off
my suit, had a shower and went to bed. And that was “Prom 2005”
for me.
If
I told you I walked away from that night completely unscathed I would
be lying. After all, I'm writing this out eight years later; it's
2:30AM on my Birthday right now and I'm determined to finish this
extremely long post (sorry) before I go to sleep. Hopefully
writing this post out will help bring me one more step nearer to
closure.
There
was some drama between myself, TJ and Adilyn when the next term
started. That's a whole other story. Adilyn and I didn't hang out any
more after prom and we didn't really talk much like we used to. In
our classes together she no longer sat with me. We avoided each other
in the common room. But before we graduated we sort of became civil
towards each other.
I
have never fully recovered from that night. It took me years to
regain that confidence again. And now more than ever I make sure to
be careful about how I interact with women. I try hard to never
overstep that boundary ever again and let myself get carried away
with my feelings.
And
I'm always in constant fear of misreading the signals. I'm still not
very confident when it comes to talking to people; I'm more of a
writer. And still to this day my confidence ebbs and flows like a
wave. It usually happens right before I click the “Publish”
button on my blog. But I just take it one step at a time.
For
the next couple of years thinking about prom brought back bad
memories for me. Not that I wanted to think about prom; I could be
driving and the memories would resurface. And I'd grip the steering
wheel a little tighter and take a deep breath. “God, you were such
an idiot” is what usually went through my mind.
But
that feeling faded away eventually. Now when I think of prom (like I
did this week) I think about my friends and all the people who tried
to make me feel better. And I never got angry with Adilyn, it's not
her job to like me back for liking her. She is her own person. Though
I wish she could have handled that night a little better. Besides,
like I said before, when people tend to be assholes towards me I just
keep quiet and try to move on.
Surprisingly
TJ is still a little angry over what happened. ““I'm
not sure why I still remember prom. Perhaps coz I hated people who
hurt my friends” was what he said to me. And I understand his
feelings; if the situation had been reversed I hope I would've been
just a good a friend to him as he was to me.
And
when TJ reads this post on this blog (which he does) I hope he can
find some closure as well. For the record I love you, man. Not in
that way;
though there is nothing wrong with two men or women who do. Also I'm
sorry I told everyone who is about to read my blog that I love you
(#bromance).
Sigh..it's been a really long night.
The way I try to deal with what happened is to think of it as a life
lesson. Here are a few points that I learned:
It took me a while to realize this
but just because you're nice and you fancy someone it doesn't mean
that you're entitled to have that person like you back
There are 7 Billion people in this
world. Chances are you will find someone who loves you back for who
you are
It's okay to be sad. Don't let
it consume you. Remember, that it doesn't last forever
You're probably going to get your
heart broken more than once in life. Unless you're lucky and meet
the right person the first time round
And if you do get your heart broken
and it feels like your world has ended. Remember that it hasn't.
Get up. Keep calm. And carry on
Sometimes in life there isn't a happy
ending. Though there's nothing wrong in hoping that you might get
yours
Wow..I sound like a self-help guru. I
must be really tired now. It makes me want to delete all my bullet
points but I won't. Some of you will probably roll your eyes at what
you just read (I did). But maybe..just maybe, someone out there will
take comfort in those corny phrases (I did as well).
So
my plans for my prom night didn't go exactly as planned. I didn't get
the dance. I didn't get the kiss. I didn't get the girl. I didn't
even get dinner. I did get a suit; though I've never worn it since. I
did get an awesome photo with my best friend. And as I type this
sentence I think I got a little more closure. But most importantly of
all, I gained a little wisdom.
 |
| In case anyone is wondering..I'm the guy with the Beard |
P.S. As I clearly alluded to before in
this post I just reached another milestone in my life. Thank you
Facebook for your friendly birthday reminder; I just might have
forgotten it without one.
I
made it to 26 years on this Earth as of Friday the 23rd
of August.
It feels awesome! And while I'm still not really sure how things are
going to turn out in my life I remain cautiously optimistic. Good
night, I'm going to go get some sleep now. As always I want to say
“Thank You” for taking the time to read this. And hopefully I'll
have something for all you good people next week.
