Saturday, 30 November 2013

Don't Let The Man Get You Down


In my opinion one of the greatest things in life is to probably become a parent. Here you are, in charge of another human being and depending on how you raise your child you have a 50/50 chance of raising Rick Grimes or The Governor (Walking Dead reference in case you're wondering.) I exaggerate of course.

While it is a wonderful experience at times it can be stressful and there will be moments where your patience is tested. I get it, parenting is not easy. But here is a PSA for all parents. Dear Parents, please do not use strangers to keep your children in check.

Recently I was at the supermarket and when I was at the cashier there was a little boy who was about 5 years old and he had a Kinder Joy (apparently we don't have Kinder Surprise in Malaysia because they would melt) in his hand. As he was about to hand his chocolate to the cashier his mum stopped him.

His mum whispered to him (though still loud enough for me to hear) that she couldn't buy him the chocolate because “the man behind them wouldn't let her.” I was confused for a few seconds but then the horrible truth dawned upon me...I was THE MAN.

Unbeknownst to me I had been appointed by the World Health Organization as the Commissioner of All Milk Chocolate Based Confectionery. Apparently it was my job to personally deny children the happiness of enjoying their favourite treats.

And it appears that I took my job seriously. Here I was stopping this poor mum from buying her son the Kinder Joy. I'm sure if she had the choice she would've bought her son all the chocolate he wanted; bless her generous heart. But sadly the FUCKING MAN wouldn't let her.

Her son wasn't ready to give up the chocolate so she repeated that THE MAN wouldn't let her buy the chocolate. He turned to look at me and we both stared blankly at each other. I didn't know how to react. Surely it would have been cruel to smile after denying him his chocolate. I can't help the feeling that as he was looking at me he was thinking WTF Bro? What 's your problem?”

Reluctantly he gave up the Kinder Joy; after all he loved his mum. And he didn't want her to get in trouble with THE MAN. As his mum carried him out of the store he just kept staring at me. I knew there and then that I had just made an enemy for life. When he grew up he would track me down and kill me. And end the tyranny of THE MAN once and for all.

I wished I had thought of it at the moment but I should have just bought the Kinder Joy for the kid. Then the mum could have the pleasure of explaining why he still couldn't have his chocolate. Maybe next time...

Sigh...the lies parents tell their children. When I was younger we sort of adopted a stray cat and a few months later she had a litter of kittens. After coming home from school I went to look for them. But they weren't there and I started to get worried.

Thankfully my mum had sent them to a friend's farm where they lived happily ever after. I learned later as many children do that this farm where all the animals in the world live in harmony sadly doesn't exist.

I just remembered that when we lived in Adelaide (Go Magpies!) for a few years back when I was a child my mum tried to teach me about calling the ambulance by pretending to be unconscious. From what I remember when I saw her prone and unresponsive all I did was go downstairs and turn on the TV.

In my defence I was 7; it was a Saturday morning and Blinky Bill was on. And since she was already “dead” what was another 30 minutes? Maybe she should have taught me CPR first. Technically I did the right thing. If I had made a false emergency call I would have been breaking the law. Sooo...I guess that makes it better?

I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of my mum. It was back in Adelaide that we had a weekly ritual. Once a week I would be allowed to have a Kinder Surprise Egg. Maybe two if I was really lucky. #bestmumever #loveyou

Hopefully, I'll have kids of my own one day and I can take this private ritual of ours and make it into a tradition that will be passed down to future generations. #bestfuturedad

In case you were wondering this is a Kinder Surprise

And in certain countries where it gets too hot we have the Kinder Joy instead

Have a great week folks. Check out the links below:

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Sunday, 17 November 2013

What's Tumblr Got To Do With It?

Besides joining Tumblr I also decided to start writing a blog again after taking a brief hiatus (more like a whole year) from my old blog. There are a few reasons for this:

  1. In my mind I think I'm quite funny and a decent writer. Which can be a dangerous combination since in reality this isn't always true
  2. I'm not a big talker so blogging helps me to keep my sanity. It's one of the few ways I express myself; besides tagging abandoned buildings with my satirical street art...Am I Banksy?
  3. Someone might actually find my musings entertaining. There are literally several of you out there..probably
  4. And after watching Kaelyn and Lucy's videos I needed to get my “feelings” out ( up Faiz)

If you know about Kaelyn and Lucy you will also know that they found each other on Tumblr and eventually they both fell madly in love. And in my own romantic/delusional mind I thought that maybe I could find someone the same way.

It seems a lot of people are meeting each other on Tumblr which makes sense; you tend to follow or be followed by people who share the same interests as you do e.g. #catsofinstagram. It seems a lot easier than joining a dating website and as sad as this is to admit, try to meet someone in person.

I'm not saying that I will meet someone on Tumblr. Or that I'm holding out to the hope that I will. But if I did and it all went horribly wrong at least it would be something to write about. And who knows? If it turned out well it might be a nice story to tell the kids someday; at least it wouldn't take 9 years to tell the children of how I met their mother. Dammit Ted...

Of course if that doesn't work I could always stick to Plan B; become the next democratically elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (or just Wales and England depending on the upcoming referendum) and fall in love with the catering manager at Number 10. Eventually making out with her at a Christmas concert in front of the entire audience. I may have watched Love Actually again last night...

Or I could just seize the cheese like Jake & Amir, download Tinder and just swipe to the right.

Links to Check Out:

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Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Nice Guys Always Pay?

This has nothing to do with the anything but please keep reading

“New Man”
  1. a man who rejects sexist attitudes and the traditional male role, especially in the context of domestic responsibilities and childcare.

    I tend to go over things in my head a little too much; for example if a friend wanted to meet at a shopping mall I'd tried to make sure we went on a weekday instead of the weekend. That's because I'm not a big fan of large crowds.

    And that's not the only thing that I get stressed about. What if I was on a date? Who would pay for the food? Do I pay for the food? Or is that unfashionable these days? Maybe we should just split the bill?  That way we're both equals. Though some people can take the whole 50/50 thing a little too far. Just read the Joy Luck Club and you'll understand. I don't even know why I worry too much over this; I've been on exactly ZERO dates.

    I only mention this because I recently had a conversation with another girl I know who admitted something that shocked me to the core (well...not really but I found it mildly interesting). She told me that the only reason she went out on dates with men is so that they would pay for her dinner. She didn't care what they looked like  or what they did for a living; as long as they had enough money to pay the bill they were okay.

    I don't want to give you the wrong impression of this particular girl so I'd like to point out the fact it wasn't as if she traded sex for food; it was strictly about the dinner. All the poor bastard was going to get was an evening of light conversation and some money out of pocket. The next time the guy tried to set up another date he will find that she is no longer interested in continuing the "relationship". Hopefully you won't think too poorly of her.

    She even joined so that she could go on many more dates. Maybe should add a new category for its members; "Just looking for food". My biggest concern is whether this kind of behaviour is not unique to this particular girl and that there are many more women using men as a free meal ticket. What would you call these types of women? The term "Gold Diggers" wouldn't apply because they don't want you for your money. 

    At least when Anna Nicole Smith (R.I.P) got married to that old guy (R.I.P) we knew why she did it (love of course) and somehow that seems nobler than going on "dates"  with men for free food. Maybe it's just me but it seems rude and slightly cruel. To be fair when a man takes a woman out we all know what he's looking for ( of course); it's not exactly a state secret. Of course all I'm looking for is a loving and meaningful relationship.And yes, I'm still very single...just saying..

    The best part of her narrative was when she told me what she managed to get other men to spend (she was bragging a bit by now); $300 on Japanese food; $159 on Mexican; one guy spent $207 at the supermarket. What kind of idiot spends that much money paying for the grocery bills of a girl he had just met? And believe me this girl ain't THAT pretty; she's not Helen of Troy. She would probably be lucky to launch one ship.
    Of course when it comes to behaving stupidly over a girl I'm a repeat offender; and people wonder why I have trust issues. So in the future if I ever go on a date (probably won't) and the moment comes to settle the check, I'm going to be more of a "New Man" and just go Dutch.


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