Sunday, 29 December 2013

Cheese anyone?

You never know who's watching

Recently the Harian Metro, one of Malaysia's leading tabloid newspapers published a story about a new trend that is becoming popular amongst the patrons of massage parlours. Apparently the men (no surprise there) were being given the option of having their body smeared with cream cheese; the “masseuse” would then lick the cheese of the client's body. Don't expect this special service from every spa; it's a brothel masquerading as a massage parlour.

Call me old-fashioned but I've always had the belief that food should be served on a plate. The only time this rule doesn't apply is when you're ordering from a drive-thru or if you happen to drop some food on the floor; if that happens then the 3-second rule is in effect. Plus it's a waste of good food. Then again I'm an old-fogey, so my opinion on such matters don't really apply.

I like how the country has been described as a “predominantly Muslim Malaysia, where conservative attitudes toward sex prevail.” This is only half-true, while Muslims are a majority (I'm one myself) we definitely do not have a “conservative” attitude to sex; after all, how conservative can we be as a country if there exists places where you can pay to have a “masseuse” lick cream cheese off your body?

And Malaysians have access to the internet. I'm pretty sure if you were to look through people's browsing history you'd find some pretty disturbing material. For the record, if you look through mine you'll see searches for “animals wearing clothes” and “cats that look like Hitler” as well as “How can I be a less perfect human being because I'm so awesome and my friends are all jealous of me.” Don't judge me! At least I'm not having someone use me as a savoury snack.

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. I just browsed Craigslist Malaysia and under the “services offered” section there are plenty of ads listing massages and escort services for gentlemen who just want a night of quiet conversation and the company of a beautiful young woman. And nothing else *wink wink*.'

I even found one ad asking for a female house cleaner. Which is not really strange; after all, cleanliness is next to godliness. But he (and I assume it's a man) did have one teeny tiny request. That she did it whilst in a state of undress (not creepy at all.)

Imagine if he had been given a Roomba this Christmas? The look of disappointment on his face would have been priceless. And the “men seeking women” section is a lot more creepier. Now if you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to take a shower; for some reason I feel dirty (oh crap, maybe I'm a Muslim with a predominantly conservative attitude to sex.)

A town council official told the Harian Metro that “massage parlours would face stern action if found to be offering irresponsible activities.” Oooh...I bet the operators of such institutions are quaking in their boots. Hold on..I have just received this news flash:

BREAKING NEWSmassage parlours all over Malaysia have closed shop and moved to Singapore and Thailand , where the population is less predominantly Muslim and the prevailing attitudes towards sex are not as conservative. And of course they were afraid of the “stern actions” threatened by local council officials. Mission accomplished.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your viewpoint), like most countries the authorities in Malaysia tend to look the other way when it comes to prostitution. And I've seen it first hand. A few weeks ago I had to drive in the city to take my Dad to the bank. This particular bank is located adjacent to a hotel frequented by tourists. Since there was no parking available I ended up parked on a double yellow line (which is technically illegal.) But in my defence I wasn't alone, there were plenty of cars doing the same thing.

It was while waiting for my Dad that I noticed something strange about the driver of the car right in front of me. He was standing next to his car and he had a walkie-talkie attached to his belt. A few moments later I noticed a man (presumably a tourist) coming from the hotel and having a brief conversation with the driver of the car.

The tourist then opened the passenger door peered inside the car; then gestured towards someone inside the car and a young woman stepped out and they both went back towards the hotel. Turns out there were two women in the car; I think what was happening in front of me is pretty self-explanatory to everyone.

For some reason I started getting angry. I still don't know why. Maybe that night I was in a particularly bad mood. Maybe it was fact that these men were treating these women like commodities and were going to benefit from this transaction; one financially and one sexually.

Or maybe the real reason I got upset was that this man openly participating in the prostitution of women without any fear of being caught by the police. Meanwhile, the authorities are busy arresting a woman for uploading a video on Youtube; arresting a young couple for being politically incorrect (at least by Malaysian standards); or in a recent case allegedly (according to some critics) suspending a newspaper for publishing an article on the spending habits of the Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak and his wife Rosmah Mansor.

The weekly newspaper “The Heat” had recently published an article titled “All eyes on big-spending PM Najib”; the report then listed expenditures incurred on overseas trips and consultancy fees as well as Rosmah's use of a government jet to attend a conference in Doha, Qatar.

Shortly after this The Heat received a suspension order from the Home Ministry.
I also have to emphasise the word “allegedly”; according to some opposition politician's The Heat was suspended because the article had portrayed the Prime Minister in a negative way.

According to the Home Ministry the suspension had nothing to do with the article; the publishing company had violated provisions mandated under its printing permit as well as failed to inform the Home Ministry about a change in ownership. The timing is just an unfortunate coincidence.

This is starting to get a bit long. I'm sorry for the diversion; in the beginning you were reading about cheese and sex and I managed to turn it into a piece about the Malaysian Government.

I guess in the end I'm just naïve. When you spend your time in front of a computer or reading a book you have a tendency to forget about how the real world works. And it can be depressing sometimes. Why can't the world just be sugar, spice and everything nice?

Of course, the big irony was that just as my dad was getting back in the car a security guard approached us as we were parked on a double yellow line. And that was illegal. Sigh..c'est la vie.

P.S. Last week I wrote an article about lighthouses and I have to admit that it's not my best writing. But of course, that's the one people read and commented on the most to me. In my defence, there are some weeks where I have nothing to write and last week's post is evident of that. I guess all I can say is I do what I can and please bear with me. Anyways, have a great week and be awesome every day or at least try to.

Some links to check out:


  1. I think that the main thing that the Internet has taught me over the years is that there is a fetish for absolutely everything, governments don't work as well as people would like to believe, and it's almost impossible to be naive in the world today. Sometimes I believe that the reason that a lot of things are still happening, despite being illegal, is because members of the government/police participate in them. I have several friends who are cops, and they've told me that they won't pull over/ticket people for things that they do themselves. Maybe we need to hold our government officials to a higher standard...

  2. ack, it's all so creepy and i wish all these weren't happening in places so close to home, or anywhere really.

    but i'm a bit like you, i tend to forget what the 'real world' is like, sometimes intentionally. because some days there's just so much injustice and creepy things that one can take, so i retreat into my little bubble to feel like everything is ok just for a little while :/