Неналюблю

 

When you read the title of this weeks blog you were a little confused. No, you're eyes aren't failing you and no, I'm not blogging under the influence. That's a word in Russian and it's pronounced as “nenalyublyu”; when translated into English it means "I love you but I hate you in this moment."

At least, I think that's what it means. I'm not 100% sure; I found out about it from watching Reginald D Hunters stand-up DVD and I later Googled it. And since I don't have a Russian speaking friend I can't really verify its accuracy. For all I know it might be a very rude word that I would use to describe Vladimir Putin.

Anyway, I digress; what I really wanted to say is that the phrase "I love you but I hate you in this moment" best describes my relationship with the board game Monopoly. As a guy who enjoys his fair share of computer games I still have a soft spot for it. A friend once described how they would play board games with their University roommates and I was more than a little jealous.

My love for Monopoly stems from the fact that I was an only child. That's not strictly true, I have a older sister but as fate would have it I was to be born 10 years after her. Which meant that when I was old enough to appreciate board games my sister was too cool to hang out with her little brother.

I grew up never really playing board games with..(cue Akon's “Mr. Lonely”)..anyone. I did play with my cousins but they weren't really interested; back then they just wanted to play with the Playstation. I would play draughts/checkers with my Dad, usually this took place when he was half-asleep on the couch. I won a lot of matches. Because I'm that good...(it has nothing too do with the fact that my Dad let me win so he could get back to napping)..

Last year I bought myself a Monopoly board game determined to play and I did; with my sister, her husband and my nephew. This was the point when the “I hate you in this moment” part set in. As much as I love Monopoly, it took a really long time to finish a game. Roughly 5 hours.

By the end we were a little bit cross with one another; usually down to the fact that we refused to sell or trade a crucial piece of real estate to one another, giving one player an advantage. Which only made the game last a lot longer. My poor nephew was caught in the crossfire when he had to choose between who he would sell his property to. When the game did finally end we were all pretty glad.

Right now, my Monopoly board game is in my closet. I still look forward to another game. Just not any time soon.

Link:

Monopoly!

Monopoly cartoon by the Gamercat

My Last Post “Lost andFound”

No good deed goes unpunished...

Food, Glorious Food!

I've always associated the 1^st of May with a holiday. Depending on where you live, you might be celebrating “May Day” or “Labour Day” a.k.a the slightly more socialist sounding “International Workers Day.” For me, the 1^st of May will also be known as the “Fuck Me!, My Hamster Just Gave Birth Day” or just “Labour Day” for short.

Let's start at the beginning. The point when the Universe was created, the Big Bang. I'm kidding of course; you should really check out Cosmos: a spacetime odyssey if you haven't already. It all started with my nieces birthday just over a month ago. She had just turned 2 years old and her mother/my sister who I love and respect (even though sometimes she can be a bit of a numpty) decided to buy a pair of dwarf hamsters for my niece.

Now I wasn't happy with this because having a pet is a big responsibility. And as much my as I love my niece and respect her (even though sometimes she can be a bit of a numpty), I didn't think hamsters were the most appropriate gift for a child that age. And I told my sister that. And as much as she loves me and respects me (even though sometimes I can be a bit of a numpty), she said “Never mind, she'll be okay.”

And sure enough, just slightly over a week later I had the pleasure of adopting the hamsters. And I didn't mind much since I already have two cats and when I was younger I had two mice and a hamster. My niece had named one hamster “Hanna” and since she never got around to naming the second hamster I chose the name “Sparta.”

Because I'm a manly man and a bit of a history geek and not a 2 year old girl I named the hamster after the Greek city-state made up of bare chested warriors (according to the historically accurate movie 300); plus I was quietly hoping that if anyone ever asked me what my hamsters name was I would be able to shout “This is...SPARTA!” (that's a 300 movie reference...)

It's been a while since I had a hamster so to get reacquainted with the responsibilities involved with being a hamster owner I decided to turn to Youtube to look for some guidance. I quickly realized two thing:

1. Based on the amount of videos available, hamsters seem to be a favoured pet of girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But next time just to up my manliness credibility I'm thinking of adopting some wolves or maybe a great white shark.
   
   
2. The cage that was provided was clearly too small, especially for a pair of hamsters. I could buy a bigger cage but those cost quite a bit. Or I could go with the less expensive alternative and make a bin cage.

I actually liked making the bin cage. My hamsters have a lot more room to run around in and making the bin cage was also satisfying for me. I don't think I'll ever move to Alaska and build myself a cabin in the woods but at least I can make a bin cage for hamsters. Plus I already have a beard, which is relevant to me for some strange reason.

It's still a work in progress since I'm still waiting for the hamster stuff that I ordered from Amazon.com to arrive e.g. silent spinners, igloos, chew toys etc. And that's all I had to look forward to; the hamsters were not biting my hand as much when I fed them and my cats seemed to really enjoy their company.

But as I already mentioned at the start of this post, on the 1^st of May I opened the bin cage to clean it and I'm staring down at a small pink newborn hamster. And then I found all the other small pink newborn hamsters. About four in total.

Aww..that's so..cute?

Well, I was not prepared for this revelation. This will be the closest feeling I have to a parent who just found out their teenager is pregnant; unless of course I get married, have a child or children (I want to have options) and then have a teenager who tell me that they're pregnant or they got someone pregnant. Remember kids always be safe, “One night stands may be over by mornin' but syphilis lasts a last time”; Robert De Niro said that once in a movie. Which means its true...just like in 300.

Now this was quite a surprise since according to my sister she had two female hamsters. And so in a less than happy mood I called her to “discuss” the current situation. Well, apparently the store kept all their hamsters together and didn't separate them by their gender. So Hanna might have been pregnant when she was bought. Or most likely, the employee didn't really know the difference between a male and female hamster and randomly picked Sparta who is actually a male hamster.

The other least likely scenario is that I had somehow upset this person in the past and he came up with a brilliant plan of getting a job at a pet store and waited for the right time for my sister to walk in and buy a hamster for her daughter. AND THEN he purposely gave my sister a male and female pair, knowing I would end up with the hamsters and I would have to deal with the problem. Touché sir, your plan worked perfectly...

Thankfully, there are a lot of forums and websites giving advice so I sort of know what to do. I still don't know if Sparta is a male or female. It's really hard to figure out the gender of a dwarf hamster. Right now, Sparta is in isolation in her/his own cage until I figure things out. It's not because she/he did anything wrong, Sparta just fits a certain profile and I want to be safe rather than sorry.

The good thing is that Hanna knows what she's doing so as long as I don't stress her too much or accidentally touch the babies, she won't eat them. Yes, apparently that's a thing that hamsters do. I will probably have to make a lot more bin cages and probably look for new homes for them. Or I could just let them out and play with my cats...relax..I'm kidding of course! Anyway, this is a few days late but happy Labour Day everyone...

To the employee at the pet store I have this to say to you:

“I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

Again, that's not one of mine. It's another movie reference; Liam Neeson from the film Taken with a few changes made.

Here are some links:

My last post - A slip of the tongue reveals my Oedipus complex?

A quick Tumblr post on the day it happened

I am...a woman

I just want to clarify a few things. I'm not having a existential crisis or trying to come to terms with my gender identity; I'm proud to say that I am still happy to be a man, whatever that means. Get back to me in a couple of years. I recently discovered Duolingo and I'm currently learning German..because you know..it's the language of the future? Maybe I should have picked a different language.

Anyway, I was using Duolingo; in case you are unaware Doulingo is a free language-learning app. And it's pretty easy and fun way to learn a new language, even one as hard as German. The lessons usually involve being presented with individual words and later phrases and translating them from German to English and vice versa. Occasionally, you would have to speak into the microphone on your phone/tablet and translate a sentence.

On this particular occasion I was sitting in my car with the windows down, waiting for someone and I decided that I would brush up on my German. And on one of the lessons I had to translate the phrase “Ich bin eine Frau”; the English translation being “I am a woman.” For some reason my microphone wasn't registering my first and second attempts. So on the third attempt I really went for it and shouted out “I AM A WOMAN!”

The good news is that the microphone did pick up what I had said that time. And so did the man who was walking by the car. What the man thought about this revelation as he looked at me I wouldn't know; he didn't seem too intrigued. If anything he might have walked a little bit faster but that might have been my imagination.

On a totally separate note one on my favourite TV shows, How I Met Your Mother has finally come an end. I don't want to spoil it for you just in case you still haven't seen it yet. All I'll say is that I found the season finale of The Walking Dead to be less depressing than the last two episodes of HIMYM. And then, I got depressed when I realized I had to wait a few months for the new season of TWD and maybe a year or two for the next season of House of Cards.

Last weeks Grey's Anatomy proved to be pretty uneventful. Maybe it's time for the show to end? Over the years I've learned a few things after watching Grey Anatomy:

1. On-call rooms are NOT meant for rest but strictly for sex
2. Re-enacting the Second World War with live ammunition is a really bad idea
3. A lot of bad shit happens to the staff of the Grey Sloan Memorial (formerly Seattle Grace) Hospital

And on last weeks episode I learned two more things:

1. Phones in the future suck

2. Ross should not grow a Goatee and should stick to contacts

P.S. I feel like I have to explain the first photo. Yes it is real and yes it is a photo of me. All I'll say is that I have a older sister. Sometimes she would dress me up in her old clothes and on other occasions apply make-up to my face (those photos shall never see the light of day.) This was back in the early 90's so there wasn't much to do and we got bored easily. Plus I was about 6 years old and children of that age aren't known for using good judgement. Sometimes I like to relive my childhood and dress up in women's clothes.

Some links to check out:

Last post – Some thoughts on the missing Flight MH370

Ramblings of a Pipedreamer Tumblr

Duolingo website

Grey's anatomy on-call room

Let them eat mamak....

I think it's safe to say that Malaysians are obsessed with food. And that may not be such a good thing, considering the expanding waistlines of many Malaysians (including myself.) But I'm not here to lecture you on healthy eating habits; at least not this post, this week. That can come later.

What I want to talk about is the one place that bring Malaysians together. The humble “mamak” restaurant. While there are many other food establishments to choose from I'd like to think that the mamak restaurant is unique to us. Kinda like fish and chips in England. Now you could probably open up a fish and chip shop in KL but it just wouldn't “feel” the same.

As someone who lives in KL whenever I'm in doubt as to where to have my next meal the mamak is where I turn to. Especially since I'm that type of guy who can't/won't cook. This is slightly off topic but while I do subsribe to a lot of cooking channels on Youtube I can never seem to bring myself to actually cook the meal. C'est la vie....

There are certain things that I find endearing about eating at a mamak be it a stall, van or proper restaurant. First of all the mamak is a place where all Malaysians converge; we may worship in different places but whether you are down-and-out or well-to-do, you will visit the mamak at least once during the week. Unless, of course you're a yuppie/hipster; in which case you'll never find yourself outside a Starbucks. Gawd those people annoy me...

Another thing that I quite like is that everyone is called "Boss", from the server to the customer. When you want to order you just raise your hand and call out “Boss” and when it's time to pay get called “Boss” as well; it's almost utopian. Why should we have to use names?

And the mamak is a cheaper alternative compared to some other food outlets, though that's not always the case. Once I got charged RM7 for a mee soup which is scandalous. These mamaks are what we call "cekik darah" and must be avoided at all costs so that they will die out.

The standard meal at any decent mamak is roti canai and teh tarik. Just to illustrate how important roti canai is a few years ago when the Government was planning too reduce the subsidy for flour the mamaks were threatening to stop making roti canai. And over the years the menu at a mamak has diversified, you can now find Thai and Western dishes on the menu. There is even a variation on the basic foodstuff like roti tisu, roti milo, naan cheese, naan keema and many more.

It's not all great. Service and cleanliness can be a factor. The standard excuse at a mamak is 'It's on the way'; once it took forty five minutes before our food arrived. A girl I knew in sixth form told me that once she saw the waiter at a local mamak drop a fried chicken drumstick onto the floor, he then picked it up, brushed it off and put it back on the plate. Another negative in my opinion is the yuppie culture creeping into the mamak (many now have wi-fi). Occasionally you can find people with laptops sitting there (it's amazing that they get upset when you look at their screen); personally I think they should just stay at Starbucks.

Sometimes you can find mamak culture abroad, a friend of mine living in Sydney (Rachel Kelapakepala; that's her actual name) went to a restaurant called "Mamak". She ordered a rojak and paid AU$12 (total rip btw) and she says that over there they eat roti canai with Vegemite; it's not the same. I'd just like to point out that Australian mamak culture doesn't even come close to MALAYSIAN mamak culture which is the best.

Above all else the mamaks serves an important social function as a place where people gather to meet with one another. One of the most frequent sights you see at the mamak are many "Shadow Governments"; these are small groups of mostly retired men (with nothing else to do) sitting at tables discussing how the country should be run. Now I'm not the one who is in a position to judge whether the various ideas on domestic and foreign policies are infeasible or otherwise.

But seriously, when you spend most of your time at a mamak you're probably not going to effect government decisions very much. The mamak also plays an important role during live sporting events; this is because they usually have satellite tv and there is the added convenience of having food and drinks just a few feet away. So during this years world cup you can expect many people to spend their nights there.

My favourite mamak is near Masjid India by the river, it's very small and basic compared to most mamaks but it does very good business. As far as I'm concerned it has the best teh tarik and I do enjoy having a "roti special"; what's so special about it? I guess you just have to go and find out yourself.

Links:

We're Here for the Art – Last weeks post

hungrygowhere – Malaysia food guide

More on the Mamak Stall

Obesity in Malaysia

“Teh Tarik” Image Credit

“Indian Feast” Image Credit

Let's talk: Gravity

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen Gravity then do not continue. Seriously, stop now; put on something nice, get out of your house and watch the film. Bring a friend. Oh and watch it in 3D.

Unless NASA reduces it's recruitment requirements drastically (who knows, maybe one day they'll want to put a fat blogger on the moon), then watching Gravity will be the closest I get into space. For the time being I have to be content with looking up at the stars with my telescope. When it's not being pointed at someone's window..(just kidding)..

I guess I could always put my spare $250,000 to good use and book a seat on a Virgin Galactic flight but it might be a touch disappointing compared to what Sandra Bullock goes through in Gravity. Technically we're all already in “space” since Earth is technically a “spaceship” travelling at roughly 900,000 Kilometres :O I know....mind blown.

Gravity is now part of my top 5 favourite space films. The list is as follows:

1. Gravity
2. Sunshine
3. Apollo 13
4. Armageddon
5. RocketMan

Don't judge me on those last two! I like what I like. I know most people didn't like Armageddon but it was the 90's and the World was going to be destroyed in 2000 so I couldn't afford to be picky. Also, I may have gotten a touch emotional at the scene where Bruce Willis had to say goodbye to Liv Tyler. As for Rocketman? Well...I liked the special effects in that film.

But let's get back to Gravity; I get distracted easily and if I find myself not enjoying a film then I have to resist the urge to take my phone out or try to keep from falling asleep. Gravity was not one of those films, it held my attention the entire time. And with a running time of 91 minutes the film is the perfect length; not everything has to be over 2 hours long.

The film did take a while a while to “start” since there was a fair bit of dialogue in the beginning. I must admit I was a little worried for awhile. But the moment the shuttle crew gets the first warning that a satellite had disintegrated I was hooked. I will say that if you're someone who suffers from agoraphobia/claustrophobia you probably wouldn't enjoy the expanse of space or the point of view from inside the space suit.

And the best part of the film was the silence of space because we all know that in space no one can hear you scream. Even though there weren't loud explosions in Gravity it didn't reduce the tension one bit. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I like the use of imagery in the film; the moment when Sandra Bullock makes it to the ISS and she takes off her space suit. She goes into a foetal position and as she hangs there with the cables floating around her, she looks like a foetus in the womb.

I know there was some “controversy” when Neil DeGrasse Tyson made some observations about the film. He suddenly found himself trolled on Twitter; I guess everyone's a critic (including me apparently.) I'm neither an astronaut or a astrophysicist so the facts of Gravity don't really matter to me. Unless it's about Man of Steel.

For 91 minutes I was in a state of suspended disbelief; which speaks highly of the merit of Gravity. Which was a lot better compared to the experience of watching White house down where by brain basically went “Wtf, wtf, wtf,wtf” for most of the film.

One tiny criticism (which of the film that I may have is that astronauts don't really wear tights/spanx. In reality, most astronauts wear what is called a Maximum Absorbency Garment; or diapers to us civilians. I will say that Sandra Bullock looks just as nice in an American space suit as she does in a cosmonaut space suit.

Some links to check out:

My Man of Steel Review

Astronaut fact checks Gravity

Angry rant on Man of Steel

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen Man of Steel then do not continue or don't bother since it's just okay. It's definitely not Batman

Apparently I have a lot to say this week so here is an extra bonus post; my angry rant/review of Man of Steel. I watched Man of Steel recently and while I admit that it wasn't a bad film I sort of expected more. 3 out of 5 stars; it was slightly better than the last Superman film and a lot better than Green Hornet.

Here are a few things that sort of annoyed me about the film:

• Was it just me or were the prison capsules used to contain Zod and his minions a little..erm..phallic shaped? Maybe I'm just imagining things. I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have made of this
• All the “subtle” product placement in the film e.g. getting thrown through a 7-11; the close up of a Nokia phone (Seriously? If it was a Samsung or iPhone I would have found it a little more believable)
• The amount of collateral damage in the film. Metropolis was practically destroyed and thousand of its citizens killed before being “saved” (Thanks Superman..at least you caught Lois Lane)
• The fact that Lois Lane conveniently found herself on-board Zod's ship for no plausible reason except for plot development
• The fact that Superman had to terminate Zod with extreme prejudice. Most fans weren't happy with this; Superman usually tries to avoid killing people. It makes sense I guess, it's hard to have a moral code these days. Besides, not everyone can be Batman (oooh..Superhero burn)
• And to complete his disguise all it takes is a pair of glasses! Seriously! We still accept that part of the story?
• How about the existence of a super strong extraterrestrial living on Earth? Actually I'm okay with that.

Later in the film Superman destroys a drone and tells a General to stop following him. Does he seriously think that he can't be tracked? Clark baby, it's 2013! The NSA is already tracking everyone!

It's not like he's a hard guy to track down in the first place; all it took was a Pulitzer prize winning journalist (Lois Lane) to follow a few leads and eventually end up on his doorstep. And let's not forget the part where a police officer dropped Lois Lane off at Clark Kent's house while he's dressed as Superman (you dummy. Super Strong but not Super Smart.) I think Edward Snowden could have found out who Superman was in a heartbeat; to be fair, Lois Lane is a lot prettier than he is.

This might be a little controversial (not really) but I think the real hero of the film was Colonel Nathan Hardy. Technically, Superman did most of the work but he's practically invincible anyway; plus he got to make out with Lois Lane which is a fair bit of compensation for his troubles.

Meanwhile, the Colonel survives a helicopter crash, empties an entire clip into a bulletproof alien (he probably should have taken the hint after the first 3 rounds bounced off her.) When that didn't work tried to get into a knife fight with an adversary that was far stronger than him (I'll admit, a bit stupid that.)

And let's not forget the part where he Kamikaze's his plane into that machine thingy. Where is his parade? Where's his comic book? At least name a holiday after the poor guy! But no..Superman gets all the glory. And the girl. Bah Humbug!

The part that got to me the most was the ending. To keep a low profile so that he can go into dangerous situations without raising any suspicions Clark Kent decided to become a journalist. Because that worked so well for Lois Lane..oh wait. She did get to meet Superman after all.

Plus talk about a poor career choice; joining a dying profession. I don't think he was thinking long-term. He probably should have gotten a degree first. Besides if you really want to become anonymous just become a blogger.. Literally no one will pay attention to you (or me)..

RIP Colonel Nathan Hardy - A real Super Hero

P.S. Apparently if you happen to be stuck in the path of a tornado the last thing you want to do is hide under an overpass. People tend to get hit with debris or sucked out because of the strong winds. Basically, just get out of the tornado's path; or seek shelter in a well-constructed building; failing that just lie flat in a ravine or ditch

Have a great week! Here are some links to check out:

My other post this week – Cream cheese and Sex (Go on and click, you know you want to)

Last week's post – My thoughts on being a lighthoue keeper (Bit rubbish that)

How Superman should have ended (highly recommended!)

Tornado Overpass information

Edward Snowden's Christmas message

My Rambling's Tumblr

Image credit for Superman Logo

Keep On Dreaming..

One of my more recent pipedreams that I had floating about in my head is that I would make a great lighthouse keeper, well...at least I THINK I would make a great lighthouse keeper. There is something quite appealing about living on a small outcrop of rock in the middle of the ocean + I do love spiral staircases. I think it's the isolation that appeals to me the most.

Unfortunately in the modern world lighthouse keepers are no longer necessary. Have you heard of the song with the lyrics "video killed the radio star"? Well technology killed the lighthouse keeper; it was mostly a combination of electricity & automation that did it. And the addition of heliports meant that live in keepers were no longer needed. In Britain all the lighthouses have been automated by Trinity House while in the US the last manned lighthouse was automated in 1998. Jobs as lighthouse keepers are scarce, many are part-time & seasonal.

Here is a brief overview of a position available as a "volunteer" keeper that I found on a lighthouse enthusiast website (oh yes, you can find anything on the internet, it's not all porn):

• Volunteer keeper needed at Forty Mile Point lighthouse, Michigan
• Tasks include greeting visitors, act as tour guide, work in gift shop & ensure cleanliness of premises
• Bring your own RV, no TENTS allowed!!
• Oh BTW, you ain't getting paid

I probably have a romantic/unrealistic view of being a lighthouse keeper. Apparently it wasn't all that great. First of all you had to stay with three other keepers; you'd better be nice to each other because you'll be spending a long time together at close proximity. Other drawbacks included no toilets or running water, at least back in the early days. And of course being away for so long meant that you'd miss out on certain things back home (like your wife having an affair for example).

So if I was to be a lighthouse keeper a few conditions would have to be met. The most important would be that I would be the only keeper at the lighthouse. I don't mind the isolation; if I was to be stuck on a rock with two other people I'd go for a swim & hope a shark was feeling a bit peckish.

The second condition is that I would need a LCD TV with a HD DVD player & some DVD boxsets please (Who needs friends when you can watch "Friends"?). The third condition is that there would need to be decent internet connection at the lighthouse. With Skype, Twitter & Facebook you'll never be alone really. 

After a few days at the lighthouse your tweets might get a little repetitive 'Turned on the light, turned off the light, turned on the light, turned off the light....' & so on. Of course on those cold lonely nights when I am missing a little...erm...female contact the internet would be REALLY important. If you know what I mean. And being alone would mean that there wouldn't be anyone to interrupt you or judge you. Except god....

I highly doubt that any potential lighthouse keeper employer would give me a call so the only other way to be a keeper is to buy my own lighthouse. On the same website I mentioned before I saw a beautiful lighthouse for sale called Pointe d'Aiguillon lighthouse which is in Saint-Marc-Sur Mer, about 8KM South West of Saint-Nazaire, France. It costs only 780,000 Euros and I think that's a bargain. So can anyone spare some change? Maybe look EXTRA hard around the couch?

Links:

My Ramblings Tumblr

Last weeks post on TMI

Bodie Island lighthouse picture

Lighthouse staircase picture

I know too much!

TMI a.k.a Too Much Information - Way more than you need/want to know about someone.

John: I have mad chafing on my balls.
Frank: uh, TMI

-Urban Dictionary

I have a few flaws. I'm the person that:

• reminisces about the past too much
• tries to turn everything into a joke
• is way too sarcastic for his own good
• who gives directions to people who are lost even when he doesn't know the directions himself (hint: if you ask someone for directions and their first word is “erm..” keep driving)
• has awkward conversations involving TMI

And the last point is probably one of the worst things about me. I can't help myself, I don't know my limit. Sometimes, when someone asks me a simple question I just keep going on and on (like right now.)

It's not so bad when it's with my family and close friends, they're used to it by now. Usually after a few minutes of my rambling their eyes glaze over and they stay silent. Eventually I'll become aware of the silence and my voice will trail off. Recently, my mother was surprised that there were camels in Australia.

I then mention to her the fact that Australia has the largest population of camels outside the middle east; that they were brought in to help cross the interior of Australia; their decline and how they're seen as a pest; how they're being culled because of the impact they have on the environment. And for all this information all I got back was an “uhum.”

Sometimes it can be a little bit awkward. A few years ago, I managed to get in touch with a friend from Australia on Facebook. We went to school together and we haven't been in contact for 18 years. He made the mistake of messaging me back to ask how things were. And boy did I let him know. It probably took him 18 years to finish reading that message. I've never heard from him since.

It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. I only regretted what I had written after hitting send. So I try to be a lot careful now with people I don't know and how much I tell them.

Occasionally I'll come across people who tell me a little too much. A few years ago someone sent me an email to ask permission to use a photo I had posted. And he ended his e-mail with this “PS It's been a looong time since I've been in Malaysia. But I bet you guys still drive on the wrong side of the street :)”

I e-mailed him back to let him know that he could use the photo; I also asked him just out of curiosity and because he seemed nice when was the last time he visited Malaysia. And he replied with the following:

Hi Faiz,
Thanks for the use of the photo. I'll let you know when the video is finished.
I think it was about 1970 when I was in Malaysia, specifically Singapore. I was a merchant seaman and we were on our way to Pakistan with a load of 'fertilizer' as foreign aid. (Think Ammonium Nitrate and munitions) We had agreed not to provide weapons to Pakistan or India to assist in their 'dispute'. Anyway...
My three main memories of Singapore, remembering please that I was a young seaman.
1. A really fine little 'bordello' where, just like in the movies, the ladies line up while you pick and choose.
2. A cab driver who totally freaked out when I flipped a cigarette butt out the window. Although he should have warned us about the anti-littering laws when we got into the cab since we were a motley crew of heathen foreigners.
3. Some blond pot, illegal as hell, that was amongst the most potent, and produced the cleanest and happiest high of any that I can remember.
TTFN

I never bothered to get back in touch with him. And I thought I was bad. Assuming he's telling the truth, who is this guy? Jason Bourne? Should he have even been telling me this information?

I can't help the feeling that that I've uncovered some conspiracy that was not supposed to be divulged. Does that mean I'm being watched by the NSA (no worries, the NSA is watching EVERYONE); on a side note I hear a low humming sound above me.

It's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one out there who suffers from chronic TMI. And of course I'm exaggerating a little. It's not the “worst” part of my character. If I was so concerned about sharing too much with people this blog wouldn't exist; and I wouldn't be entertaining several people a week. There are far worse things about me like the fact that once I had to shoot this.....never mind. See you next week. Maybe.

Here are some links

My Ramblings Tumblr

Don't let the man get you down - My last post

Image Credit: 

Paranoia

Don't Let The Man Get You Down

 

In my opinion one of the greatest things in life is to probably become a parent. Here you are, in charge of another human being and depending on how you raise your child you have a 50/50 chance of raising Rick Grimes or The Governor (Walking Dead reference in case you're wondering.) I exaggerate of course.

While it is a wonderful experience at times it can be stressful and there will be moments where your patience is tested. I get it, parenting is not easy. But here is a PSA for all parents. Dear Parents, please do not use strangers to keep your children in check.

Recently I was at the supermarket and when I was at the cashier there was a little boy who was about 5 years old and he had a Kinder Joy (apparently we don't have Kinder Surprise in Malaysia because they would melt) in his hand. As he was about to hand his chocolate to the cashier his mum stopped him.

His mum whispered to him (though still loud enough for me to hear) that she couldn't buy him the chocolate because “the man behind them wouldn't let her.” I was confused for a few seconds but then the horrible truth dawned upon me...I was THE MAN.

Unbeknownst to me I had been appointed by the World Health Organization as the Commissioner of All Milk Chocolate Based Confectionery. Apparently it was my job to personally deny children the happiness of enjoying their favourite treats.

And it appears that I took my job seriously. Here I was stopping this poor mum from buying her son the Kinder Joy. I'm sure if she had the choice she would've bought her son all the chocolate he wanted; bless her generous heart. But sadly the FUCKING MAN wouldn't let her.

Her son wasn't ready to give up the chocolate so she repeated that THE MAN wouldn't let her buy the chocolate. He turned to look at me and we both stared blankly at each other. I didn't know how to react. Surely it would have been cruel to smile after denying him his chocolate. I can't help the feeling that as he was looking at me he was thinking “WTF Bro? What 's your problem?”

Reluctantly he gave up the Kinder Joy; after all he loved his mum. And he didn't want her to get in trouble with THE MAN. As his mum carried him out of the store he just kept staring at me. I knew there and then that I had just made an enemy for life. When he grew up he would track me down and kill me. And end the tyranny of THE MAN once and for all.

I wished I had thought of it at the moment but I should have just bought the Kinder Joy for the kid. Then the mum could have the pleasure of explaining why he still couldn't have his chocolate. Maybe next time...

Sigh...the lies parents tell their children. When I was younger we sort of adopted a stray cat and a few months later she had a litter of kittens. After coming home from school I went to look for them. But they weren't there and I started to get worried.

Thankfully my mum had sent them to a friend's farm where they lived happily ever after. I learned later as many children do that this farm where all the animals in the world live in harmony sadly doesn't exist.

I just remembered that when we lived in Adelaide (Go Magpies!) for a few years back when I was a child my mum tried to teach me about calling the ambulance by pretending to be unconscious. From what I remember when I saw her prone and unresponsive all I did was go downstairs and turn on the TV.

In my defence I was 7; it was a Saturday morning and Blinky Bill was on. And since she was already “dead” what was another 30 minutes? Maybe she should have taught me CPR first. Technically I did the right thing. If I had made a false emergency call I would have been breaking the law. Sooo...I guess that makes it better?

I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of my mum. It was back in Adelaide that we had a weekly ritual. Once a week I would be allowed to have a Kinder Surprise Egg. Maybe two if I was really lucky. #bestmumever #loveyou

Hopefully, I'll have kids of my own one day and I can take this private ritual of ours and make it into a tradition that will be passed down to future generations. #bestfuturedad

In case you were wondering this is a Kinder Surprise

And in certain countries where it gets too hot we have the Kinder Joy instead

Have a great week folks. Check out the links below:

My Ramblings Tumblr

Last Weeks Post – On Tumblr and Finding Love

Image Credit:

Kid In A Candy Story

Kinder Surprise

Kinder Joy