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| R.I.P Giggles |
Good
evening, Mr. and Mrs. America from border to border and coast to
coast and all the ships at sea. Let's go to press.
A
few weeks ago the brave men and women of the Department of Natural
Resources (DNR) with the help of local law enforcement foiled an
Al-Qaeda linked plot to spread Sharia law in Wisconsin by raiding a
terror cell and terminating with extreme prejudice the terrorist
agent identified only as “Giggles.”
Thankfully,
none of the DNR agents or deputy sheriffs were injured in the highly
dangerous and risky operation. Americans all over these United States
can rest easy knowing that the men and women of law enforcement
remain ever vigilant in protecting the homeland. Mission
Accomplished.
I'm
guessing a part of you might be a little confused about the last two
paragraphs. Maybe I need to clarify a few details for you. The DNR
did indeed conduct a raid on a location with the help of the Sheriffs
Department. Of course when I said “terror cell” I actually meant
a no-kill animal shelter, the Society of St. Francis. And when I say
“terrorist agent” I actually mean a baby deer. Sounds crazy
doesn't it. If Guantanamo hasn't made you angry yet this might just
do it.
I
had been listening to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast and on this
particular episode they were discussing a recent incident involving a
raid on an animal shelter to hunt down a baby deer. Now a small part
of you might be shocked at the story and you may be wondering “Surely
this can't be true.”
So
I AskJeevesd it..who am I kidding. Google owns everything. And
yes it turned out to be a true story. Here's what happened, a family
found a baby deer on it's own and it seemed to have been abandoned by
it's mother so they did what most decent people would do. They took
the fawn to a animal shelter.
The
employees at the shelter had named the little fawn Giggles because
she made noised like laughter. Giggles had been taken care of by the
shelter for two weeks and she was about to be transferred to a
different shelter in neighbouring Illinois that specialized in the
rehabilitation of deer.
Unfortunately
for Giggles she never made it. Just a day before she was due to be
moved to the new shelter a team made up of nine DNR agents and four
sheriff deputies raided the Society of St. Francis. "It was like
a SWAT team" shelter employee Ray Schulze told reporters. The
agents and deputies arrived in multiple cars and were heavily armed.
According
to the DNR, the agency had received two anonymous calls telling them
about the deer being kept at the shelter. In Wisconsin it is illegal
to posses a wild animal without the proper permits. The DNR even had
aerial reconnaissance photographs confirming the presence of Giggles
at the shelter and with this evidence they managed to obtain a search
warrant for the shelter.
The
employees at the shelter were then corralled near a picnic area and
then the agents searched the shelter for Giggles. Ray Schulze said
that he saw them later carrying Giggles in a body bag over their
shoulder. A DNR spokeswoman later denied that Giggles had been killed
at the shelter and said that the fawn had been taken to a separate
site and euthanized.
What
THE..wait for it..FUCK! That was my first response to the story,
which is quite understandable. I thought watching Bambi was a
traumatic experience. Clearly Disney needs to remake the film and
update it with storm troopers instead of hunters. Why does every
department and agency require a small army?
The
part that gets to me the most was the lack of common sense displayed
by the authorities. I understand that a permit was required but
surely they could have sent someone to check things out first instead
of choosing to raid the animal shelter. Heck they could have sent a
letter, e-card, e-mail or even have made a simple phone call. Then
they would have easily found out that Giggles was due to be moved to
a different shelter.
But
nope..that would have been too easy. The DNR even took the trouble to
obtain aerial photographs; it was unclear how they did it. Since they
have their own army then maybe they have their own air force equipped
with drones as well.
When
asked why the DNR didn't make a call to the shelter the spokeswoman
responded “If a sheriff’s department is going in to do a search
warrant on a drug bust, they don’t call them and ask them to
voluntarily surrender their marijuana or whatever drug that they have
before they show up.” Which makes sense in that scenario but in
this case we aren't talking about drug dealers; what were they so
afraid of? That the employees at the shelter would try and flush
Giggles down a toilet in an attempt to destroy the evidence? Sigh..
Talk
about overkill; thirteen heavily armed people to find a baby deer.
Who did they think they were going after? Scarface?! It was a baby
deer named GIGGLES! And what was with the body bag? Surely an orange
jumpsuit with a black bag over the head would have been sufficed. I
thought the police were tough in Malaysia. I take it back..the Royal
Malaysian Police doesn't have anything on the Department of Natural
Resources.
Sigh..I
don't understand my own self-righteous indignation. How can I feel
morally superior when I eat fast food. Alls I know is that I loved
Bambi and a few weeks ago the DNR killed Giggles when it didn't have
to. The DNR should have just taken a page out of the Bourne Legacy
and launched a Hellfire missile from a circling drone at the shelter.
Maybe next time.
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