Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America from border to border and coast to coast and all the ships at sea. Let's go to press.
A few weeks ago the brave men and women of the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) with the help of local law enforcement foiled an Al-Qaeda linked plot to spread Sharia law in Wisconsin by raiding a terror cell and terminating with extreme prejudice the terrorist agent identified only as “Giggles.”
Thankfully, none of the DNR agents or deputy sheriffs were injured in the highly dangerous and risky operation. Americans all over these United States can rest easy knowing that the men and women of law enforcement remain ever vigilant in protecting the homeland. Mission Accomplished.
I'm guessing a part of you might be a little confused about the last two paragraphs. Maybe I need to clarify a few details for you. The DNR did indeed conduct a raid on a location with the help of the Sheriffs Department. Of course when I said “terror cell” I actually meant a no-kill animal shelter, the Society of St. Francis. And when I say “terrorist agent” I actually mean a baby deer. Sounds crazy doesn't it. If Guantanamo hasn't made you angry yet this might just do it.
I had been listening to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast and on this particular episode they were discussing a recent incident involving a raid on an animal shelter to hunt down a baby deer. Now a small part of you might be shocked at the story and you may be wondering “Surely this can't be true.”
So I AskJeevesd it..who am I kidding. Google owns everything. And yes it turned out to be a true story. Here's what happened, a family found a baby deer on it's own and it seemed to have been abandoned by it's mother so they did what most decent people would do. They took the fawn to a animal shelter.
The employees at the shelter had named the little fawn Giggles because she made noised like laughter. Giggles had been taken care of by the shelter for two weeks and she was about to be transferred to a different shelter in neighbouring Illinois that specialized in the rehabilitation of deer.
Unfortunately for Giggles she never made it. Just a day before she was due to be moved to the new shelter a team made up of nine DNR agents and four sheriff deputies raided the Society of St. Francis. "It was like a SWAT team" shelter employee Ray Schulze told reporters. The agents and deputies arrived in multiple cars and were heavily armed.
According to the DNR, the agency had received two anonymous calls telling them about the deer being kept at the shelter. In Wisconsin it is illegal to posses a wild animal without the proper permits. The DNR even had aerial reconnaissance photographs confirming the presence of Giggles at the shelter and with this evidence they managed to obtain a search warrant for the shelter.
The employees at the shelter were then corralled near a picnic area and then the agents searched the shelter for Giggles. Ray Schulze said that he saw them later carrying Giggles in a body bag over their shoulder. A DNR spokeswoman later denied that Giggles had been killed at the shelter and said that the fawn had been taken to a separate site and euthanized.
What THE..wait for it..FUCK! That was my first response to the story, which is quite understandable. I thought watching Bambi was a traumatic experience. Clearly Disney needs to remake the film and update it with storm troopers instead of hunters. Why does every department and agency require a small army?
The part that gets to me the most was the lack of common sense displayed by the authorities. I understand that a permit was required but surely they could have sent someone to check things out first instead of choosing to raid the animal shelter. Heck they could have sent a letter, e-card, e-mail or even have made a simple phone call. Then they would have easily found out that Giggles was due to be moved to a different shelter.
But nope..that would have been too easy. The DNR even took the trouble to obtain aerial photographs; it was unclear how they did it. Since they have their own army then maybe they have their own air force equipped with drones as well.
When asked why the DNR didn't make a call to the shelter the spokeswoman responded “If a sheriff’s department is going in to do a search warrant on a drug bust, they don’t call them and ask them to voluntarily surrender their marijuana or whatever drug that they have before they show up.” Which makes sense in that scenario but in this case we aren't talking about drug dealers; what were they so afraid of? That the employees at the shelter would try and flush Giggles down a toilet in an attempt to destroy the evidence? Sigh..
Talk about overkill; thirteen heavily armed people to find a baby deer. Who did they think they were going after? Scarface?! It was a baby deer named GIGGLES! And what was with the body bag? Surely an orange jumpsuit with a black bag over the head would have been sufficed. I thought the police were tough in Malaysia. I take it back..the Royal Malaysian Police doesn't have anything on the Department of Natural Resources.
Sigh..I don't understand my own self-righteous indignation. How can I feel morally superior when I eat fast food. Alls I know is that I loved Bambi and a few weeks ago the DNR killed Giggles when it didn't have to. The DNR should have just taken a page out of the Bourne Legacy and launched a Hellfire missile from a circling drone at the shelter. Maybe next time.